The worst job

Here in Hollywood, that would be as an assistant to an executive or actor. Here's the latest story from the trenches:

I used to work for a C-list actor who wasn’t a screamer really, he was worse. He had bizarre brain synapses and he was obsessed with vegetables.

He was working on a now-cancelled FBI show. We were shooting in Santa Monica and he had a hankering for Koo Koo Roo:

Actor: I want the turkey dinner
Me: okay.
Actor: The turkey dinner. With the carrots and gravy
Me: (tuning him out. I know what’s in the turkey dinner.) Right.
Actor: And get whatever you want.

So, I went to the Kook in Venice. Ordered the turkey dinner, and a BBQ chicken salad without peppers for me. I returned to the trailer, and put his turkey dinner in the fridge. I was happily munching away on my salad, slightly peeved that they’d forgotten to take out the peppers, when Actor returned from set.

Actor: Where’s my turkey dinner?
Me: In the fridge.
Actor: Why is it in the fridge?
Me: Because you were still shooting.
Actor: (accusatory) It’s really hot outside.
Me: (??) I know. That’s why I put it in the fridge.

He fetches his damn turkey dinner, and I return to my salad and my To Do list. Munch munch munch…suddenly, I hear:
Actor: Green beans.
Me: What?
Actor: Green beans.
Me: (??)
Actor: (getting agitated) Green beans, green beans green beans.Me: (??)
Actor: I asked for GREEN BEANS with my turkey dinner.
Me: (He did? Oh shit.)

I looked him straight in the eye. Then down at my salad. Then back at him. I waved my fork towards my lunch:

Me: And I asked for no peppers in my salad. (Too bad, buddy. Life’s not fair. Sometimes you don’t get what you asked for.)
Actor: (glaring silence.)

He fired me the next day. Now whenever I hear “green beans” I cringe and then chuckle.